Now that I am writing this, I think I already wrote what I did on Saturday. Oh well, repeat!
On Sunday, I did absolutly nothing. Literally. I didn't even get dressed. I watched movies a majority of the day and played with Amelia when she was awake. Changed Amelia when she stank, and fed Amelia when she was hungry (which wasn't as often as I thought it would be). Also, to my delightful surprise, Amelia slept in until 8:45am on Sunday! She's never slept in that late. Never! I think she slept so late was because of all the crying she did on Saturday night. She was beat.
On Saturday night, for some reason as Greg was leaving, I became very sad. I didn't want him to leave and I didn't want to be alone all day on Sunday. I guess I became used to seeing him everyday for two weeks straight, but I don't think that was the real reason and I honestly don't know what the real reason is and I don't want to say it was my hormones making me weepy (but, since I can't figure this out I might as well blame it on the hormones) and yesterday wasn't much better. I was really missing Greg. Like, it hurt in my heart and I wanted nothing more than to see him. Greg and I spoke on the phone a few times throughout the day and I told him how I was feeling and even though I know he was busy with his tasks (including talking to his Mom about Amelia and me moving in), I really wanted him to come over. I knew that he wasn't able to but secretly I was hoping he would to make me happy. He didn't come over. Greg feels bad for not coming over, even though he did think about it. But, it's my fault for hoping he would even though I know he wouldn't. So, that was yesterday and today is now. I am over it (sorta), as I knew I would be. Although, I can't believe Greg would think that I would think less of him because he didn't come over. I would never do that. And, I don't think Greg would ever do anything that would make me think less of him.
It feels really good to be in a relationship where both parties communicate. Friday night, after Amelia was asleep, Greg and I layed in the bed and we just talked. He answered all my questions about his past, feelings he was feeling with certain people, something else that I can't mention, and his feelings for me (such as when they started to change from the "FWB" to more than friends). Some of the conversation last night envolved more of his feelings for me. I have a very curious mind and I like detailed answers, so I wanted to know at which point, as close to possibe with the time of year, that Greg started to see me are more than just a friend and a "FWB". He told me that I was still at the apartment when his feelings started to change for me and that it was before he and I went to Atlantic City. But, he was trying to hide his growing feelings for me because he didn't want to admit them to himself. And, there have been MANY conversations that I asked Greg to tell me when his feelings started to change (and I was probably asking him to tell me because my feelings for him had changed as well) and he said he would but never did.
Move forward to February 7, 2007. I had spent a long weekend at my Mom's to help me recoup from Amelia's delivery and then the emergancy D&C 10 days later. While I was at my Mom's I kept dreaming about Jay, an old friend, and these were vivid dreams! I can still remember them to this day. So, Jay was always in the back of my mind and I didn't know what it meant or what to do. So, on my way home, I called Greg to let him know that I was on the way (it was a Wednesday and he was going to come over) and then I told him about the dreams I was having about Jay. He didn't really say anything on the phone and we hung up. So, I get home about an hour later and he's there waiting for me. So, he feeds Amelia and then we start to talk and he tells me that something up, referring to his feelings, and he doesn't know what it means. He informed me that when I told him about Jay he became jealous! Also, he said that that morning, he was in shower and his mind wondered to an old fling and once his mind came across a few memories he begun to feel guilty as if he had cheated on me. So, that is where he became confused, and then when I told him about my dreams, his emotions were acting weird. So, later in the night, as I was showering (because I didn't take a shower at my moms. she has horrible well water and poor water pressure. It's like the soap never comes off) Greg got in with me and we started kissing and things were amazing. Greg asks me if I missed him while I was gone and I said yes. He then asked what I missed about him and I told him his touch, kisses, and being held in his arms. We looked into each others eyes for a few moments and just hugged. It was a very passonate moment and I was thinking at that moment that the only thing that would make this moment better was if he told me that he loves me. So, after the shower we start to fool around a little (mind you I couldn't have sex because Amelia was born like 4 weeks before) and things become more heated and passonate. But, we don't finish because Greg's mind was racing with confusion about his emotions. So, we begin talking more about his feelings and he said he didn't know what it meant and I asked what does he want to do (meaning try the relationship thing or just wait and see) and he said that he didn't want to change anything right now. We continue to watch tv and then start to fall asleep. Greg was closer to falling asleep than I was. So, I asked him if he was close to being asleep and he said yes and I said ok. Then, he asks why and I said nevermind, it can wait. Then he was like "no, tell me now" and I debated for a few seconds and rolled over and told him "Lately, there have been a few moments that I wanted to tell you that I love you." And his responce was 'Really? Because there have been times that I wanted to tell you the same." And I was like, what?! When? And he said the moments were during sex, though not all, and that he wasn't sure if the feeling were just due to the passion of the moment or because they were his true feelings." Then, he asks me how I feel about him and I told him that I feel very strong feelings for him and that I do love him and then he tells me that he loves me too. And, hearing him say that put butterflies in my stomach (even thinking about that night now puts butterflies in my stomach) and after that moment, we started holding and kissing each other and then we made love (yes, it was slightly painful). It was one of the most amazing moments in my life (thus far). Now, you may wonder why the birth of Amelia wasn't an amazing moment, although it was but in a different way, so the reason why this moment was Greg was so amazing is because it was the first time that I've ever felt like that and it was all because of him. I have never felt this way before for anyone, other than Jay (but even still, my feelings for Greg are stronger than the feelings I had for Jay and this might be due to the fact that it's been ages since Jay and I have gotten together and he is now married and I was married, and so forth and so on...). I didn't even have feelings this strong for Adam, which is sad when I think about it (and all the things I sacrificed for 'us')...
Moving on to current day...
I am happier now than I was 3 years ago. Not much as gotten easier in my life and I don't want an easy life, but having Greg with me helps a lot. Having Amelia, even though I am still adjusting, has been great too and having Greg be with Amelia and me makes everything perfect and I wouldn't want anything to change, at this moment at least...
Things I am looking forward to (in no particular order):
- Amelia's laugh
- My first Mother's Day (hope Greg remembers)
- Greg and I moving in together and being a real, whole, family
- Greg's first Father's Day
- First Orioles game where we, Greg, Amelia, and I, attend as a family
- Amelia's first crawl
- Amelia's first words
- Amelia's first taste of 'real' food (including jar food)
- No longer being a temp and receivea perminate job
Goals for the remainder of 2007 (also in no particular order):
- Buy a laptop
- Find a place to live
- Get all major repairs to my car done (tune-up, brakes, alignment, etc)
- Have a thousand dollars in a savings account
- Buy a new car (but, this is more like a goal for 2008)
Goals for 5 years:
- Compelte my Degree (only 2 classes to go)
- Work in the medical setting
- Have a place to call my own (either house, townhouse, or condo)
This post has taken me all day to create. Mind you, I'm at work as I do this so there are many interruptions.
But, in any event it feels good to write stuff out. I just wish I could write more things but I don't want the wrong person to read, which kinda sucks because it would be nice to have an unbiased opinion with some of the things that have gone on in my life recently. Oh well, I will survive as I've done in the past.
Jess
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