Mindless Ramblings

It's Tuesday. I am back at work. This feels weird.

As much as I anticipated returning to work, I wasn't expecting the mind numbing slowness. Granted, this morning started off with a kick and some very argumentative people, but for the last hour or so, it's been pretty slow.

Meh.

I was late for work partly due to babysitter not answering her door when I was knocking. I swear I knocked on her door for nearly five minutes with no response. It really aggravates me when they don't hear me. I think they should invest in a door bell or something. The only good thing is that this week is a short week for babysitting needs and I will only need to pay $84. Yippie!

It feels good to be on a regular pay schedule again. Those three weeks without any money was rough! My acct ended going into the negative anyway. I was so close! But, at least my bank credits one over draft fee every 12 months, but I have to call and ask for them to do so; which I'll probably do on my lunch break.

I was reading an article online about relationships and whether weight affects a relationship. Personally speaking, I don't feel that weight loss or gain affects how a person feels for you or how you feel for them. When I met Adam, I weighed the same as I do now. During our 7 year relationship, I gained 100 pounds and he didn't say anything about it and it wasn't the cause of our divorce. Today, I weigh 100+ pounds less. I've lost weight since meeting Greg and it hasn't effected our relationship one bit either. Greg outweighs me by 110 pounds and I don't care. If he gains more weight it won't change my feelings for him and I know he feels the same for me. Now, Greg doesn't want me to loose too much weight and be like a size 5 and weigh 125 pounds because he's afraid that I would leave him for someone else, which I would never do. Besides, I don't want to weigh 125 pounds. I am happy with my current size and weight. If the weight continues to come off, so be it. I'm not actively trying to loose weight, which makes me wonder if my thyroid is acting up again. During my pregnancy, I learned that my thyroid was over active which is probably why I didn't gain any weight (which is another reason I didn't suspect that I could be pregnant) and once Amelia was born, I lost an additional 60 pounds. I haven't been to my doctors since my pneumonia and my 6 week post-delivery check-up. Once I get my new health insurance coverage, I plan on making an appointment for a complete check-up including blood work; which I hate. Even after all that I went through this past January, I still hate needles and shots. I still don't know how I was able to give myself insulin shots for that whole month of December! I actually have scars on my arm from the needles from when I was in the hospital last. On that visit, they gave me a 16 gage needle for an IV. The lower the number, the bigger the needle. 16 gage was HUGE! And, they stuck me twice because the vein collapsed on the first attempted (Gee, I wonder why; huge needle, low blood pressure, large loss of fluids... duh!) Thankfully, a different nurse did the needle on the second try and it was no where near as painful. I thanked her.

Sometimes, I still can't believe I went through all that I did in January. Yesterday, as Greg was playing with Amelia, a thought came over me: Another family could be doing the same things with her if we had gone through with putting her up for adoption. Another family would be enjoying her smiles, babbles, shreiks and shrills. But, Greg and I are the ones enjoying this. It was weird to think about that and what our life would be like without Amelia. Greg told me, earlier this month when I asked him, that he would feel guilty if we had gone through with the adoption. I've also asked him if we would still be friends if we went through with the adoption and he thinks we would. He does feel that if he we had gone through the adoption, there might have been some strain on the friendship but he thinks we would be able to support each other and get through it. I've also asked him if he would ever tell me about his feelings for me if we hadn't had Amelia and he said yes, eventually. I constantly tease him about his feelings for me. I knew he had developed them and tried to get him to tell me but he was ignoring what his heart was telling him. The teasing is all in good nature and he knows this.

I had a weird dream this morning and it made me feel guilty. It wasn't a sex dream or anything, but more of a dream about me growing feelings for another person. the dream involved Greg and I looking for a place to live (as we are currently). An old friend of mine was living in this huge townhouse and told me that there was more than enough room for us to move in. So, I met the owner of the townhouse and he and I hit it off. There were sparks flying and everything. While this guy was showing me around, he started to hold my hand and I let him. Then, we walked outside and we went behind the townhouse, sat down and began to chat. He knew I had a boyfriend, he even talked and asked questions about him. Yet, he kept holding my hand and began to lean in to kiss me when Greg appeared around the corner on a moped like bike and I could see the frustration on this other guys face. It was so weird! And, when I awoke, I had this guilty feeling in my stomach. I told Greg about the dream and he just laughed. But, the dream makes me wonder if that is something that will happen in the future and I wonder how I would react if something simular were to occur.

The hand holding in the dream, I believe was due to the hand holding Greg and I did at the carnival. Greg and I don't hold hands very often in public. We usually hold hands at night while we're sleeping or if we're at the movie theaters. But, last night Greg would reached for my hand and held it so softly. It was very romantic for me. Especially since he was making the inital contact. Sometimes, while Greg and I are at a store or what not, I will go for his hand, but not very often. Usually, I just rub or run my fingers dow his back or play with his butt, which annoys him but I continue to do it anyway.

Have I mentioned how much I love my Flickr Pro account? I love Flickr to begin with! I check it constantly throughout the day to see how many views my pictures have received. At last look, I was at 621 views for 469 photos. Someone even marked one of my airshow photos as a favorite! So cool!