Random Thoughts

Just stuff on my mind...

I still can't wait until Greg and I are living together. I know he's just as excited as I am. He says he can't wait to start our life together. That makes me feel very happy on the inside. There is one issue that may prevent us from starting our life together, sooner than hoping. I can't say what the issue is because it's his but since we are together it affects the both of us. This issue is starting to make me mad and I know there is nothing he can do about it; it happened in the past and there is nothing we can change. But this issue is making it difficult for us to get a place together. And, I know it's not entirely her fault, but I do place partial blame of this issue on Greg's ex-girlfriend. She doesn't have to deal with what I do. She can start her future anytime she wants whereas Greg and I can't because of this issue. Greg knows how I feel about this and why I partially blame his ex. But, this doesn't change anything about how I feel towards Greg and my future with him. We will get through this. We will have a future together, including buying a house and getting married. This issue will not stop me from being with Greg.

Speaking of marriage... Greg and I have talked about it. Nothing serious at the moment, but just general conversation. I told him about my past marriage, especially the proposal, or lack thereof, and how a wedding isn't that important to me. I have no desire to plan my wedding, have a big wedding, have the dream wedding dress, etc. If anything, I would rather have a small get together with all the important people in my life and Greg's for an intimate ceremony and then have a great reception. Besides, I'd rather put the money that would pay for a 'dream wedding' on a house or a honeymoon. Greg has told me that he would like a beach wedding. I would be ok with that, but that isn't what I would choose. If I could choose a wedding, I would like it to be outside in a beautiful garden and everything in full bloom. The wedding wouldn't be formal, but comfortable. Afterwards, we would have a buffet of yummy foods, dancing, music, games... oh! a carnival would be awesome! But, I doubt that would happen. LOL. Now, for a honeymoon I would expect it to be something I've never done before and to somewhere I've never been before (which is practically anything and anywhere). I've wanted to go on a cruise and thought about doing so as a honeymoon with Adam but we didn't even have a honeymoon. I've also thought about exploring Europe. I want to do something amazing. Greg is more keen on a cruise and I think he's happy to hear that I don't want a big elaborate wedding and would rather use the money for a house. Also, I'm glad to hear that he doesn't want a big wedding either.

For now, I just wait for Greg to propose to me. I am not expecting this to happen any time soon since we have other priorities at the moment. And, I want the whole proposal to be a surprise. I don't want to know what the ring looks like or anything; I want the whole ring and proposal to be a complete surprise. The proposal is something that I am most excited about. I've told Greg how the proposal is more important to me than the actual wedding ceremony and I've told him how my last proposal was dull and not with love. I just feel that Greg will make all my dreams and wishes come true.

So, now I've written about something that I wasn't really suppose to. Greg and I talk about this, us being together forever, at least once a week. I haven't told any of my friends or family that Greg and I have been casually talking about marriage. Although, Grandma is waiting for my divorce to be final before she can hound Greg and I to tie the knot and not focus all her attention on Clayton and April. Silly Grandma! But, it does feel good to put this in writing. I find writing my thoughts out very helpful with dealing what's going on in my mind. Yes, I do talk to Greg about my thoughts and such, but sometimes writing it out allows me to see more into what I am feeling or thinking.

On another note...

I finally realized why I've been doing something recently. I was close to being obsessed with this! It's caused jealousy, depression, anxiety, and so many other things and just recently I realized why I was doing what I was doing: I was waiting for something to happen that I now realize won't happen. I've been waiting to see if something was going to show up and it hasn't and it won't (because if it was to show it would have by now). So, with this recent realization my 'obsession' has dropped dramatically and I've accepted that nothing is going to happen with this. I feel a lot better now. I've told Greg about my recent realization and saying it out loud kinda confirmed it too.