Frustrated

Last night, after work, I stopped by the place that has my car to get a few things out of it. I asked the guy if he had a chance to look at it and what he told me wasn't what I wanted to hear; "You need a new engine."

Fuck

I called my Mom to let her know and she asked "What are you going to do?" and I replied with scream and cry because that is what I wanted to do. I was so frustrated! I have ABSOLUTELY no money saved or to spend right now, especially with the move in three and a half weeks! I can't afford a $200 a week car rental and that's a waste of money in my eyes.

Mom and I talked for a few more minutes trying to think of possibilities to help. One thing we talked about was for her to obtain a small loan for me to buy a used car and I pay the loan back instead of her. She's afraid that since she isn't working she won't be approved. So, we ended the conversation with her telling me that she's going to talk to Van.

After talking to Mom, I call Greg to get an idea of when he's going to be home and he was still on 100 as I was pulling up to the townhouse. I was irritated that he wasn't home at the time he said he was going to be, especially now with all the stress about the car.

I get home and take Amelia out of the car seat and just sit on the couch. I talk to Aaron and Sean about the car and stuff. About 20 minutes later, Greg walks in the door and comes over to me with roses! But, not just a bouquet of roses; he bought a miniature rose bush that can be planted!! Aww! Isn't he the greatest? I told him the roses make up for his tardiness.

Greg asks if there is anything he can do and I replied with "Yeah, tell me that you've secretly saved about $5,000 and that you can help me get a car." and he replied with something along the lines of "Well, even though I would hate to do this for the third time, I could close my 401k." I completely forgot about my IRA! I called ING to start the process of closing my account. After the taxes and penalties, I should receive around $1300. That's a start.

After talking to ING, Greg and I watch Hell's Kitchen. What an interesting group of people! Greg and I loved watching Top Chef on Bravo earlier this year. And, Hell's Kitchen is a good make up for Hero's. We're excited to have something to watch on Monday nights.

This morning, I called Mom and Van to let them know that I will have some money to help with a new car and Van tells me that he's working on a car for me. The car is a 1984 Honda Civic with 50,000 'original' miles. He said the car belonged to a church. I am a little hesitant about the car. I want something a little more modern for Amelia. The last Honda I drove was a 1982 Prelude and I was in a car accident in that car. I hit the side of a 1997 car with the passenger side front end of my car going about 5-10 mph and the damage to the Honda was unbelievable. The entire front end of my car was crumbled to my door! I can only image what a more serious accident would look like and I really don't want to take that risk with Amelia in the back seat. But, at the same time, I NEED A CAR and I can't be choosy with what I can get.
Ugh, so much stress!!! Later in the morning, I called again to talk to Mom to tell her about the IRA account and she mentioned that Van was also looking at a 1997 vehicle. She doesn't know anything about either car other than they are looking for the titles.

I don't know what to think. I am so frustrated and stressed about this whole situation. It feels like nothing will ever be 'perfect' for me; I will always have some form of struggle. At times, it's so hard to stay motivated and optimistic. I am getting tired of hearing "everything happends for a reason" or "God is testing or challenging you to prepare you for the real world" and things related. No one knows the life I've had, the struggles and everything else. Why do I need to be challenged? Why am I constantly thrown 'things for a reason'? And, this can't be blamed on karma because I've never done anything bad in my life! I never made fun of anyone, never hurt anyone in any sense or form, I've always worked hard and volunteered to help others, I've always put others and their needs before myself. I am not a selfish person at all! I just don't get it.