This weekend has been difficult, to say the least.
Not much positivness, a lot of crying, and stress.
I'm not going to write about it, no purpose in re-living the whole weekend, only to keep re-reading it and keep reminding myself about it.
Yes, Greg and I are still together, just not living together, yet.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
15 July 2007
26 June 2007
The Sweet Greg-ola!
Do you know what I love most about us?
You.
" Jess,
I wish I could write so much of what I feel. I know things are tough right now, but we'll make it through. You mean the world to me. I love you with all my heart.
Greg
XOXOXOXOXOXO "
Last night, I was still in a funk of a mood. I didn't talk much to my brother or Aaron and just putted around the townhouse. Around 7:30, Greg calls and we chat for a few. I wasn't really in the mood to talk. He stated that he was a little sadden that I hadn't called, like I normally do, and that he shouldn't be much longer at work. After the conversation, I start my laundry and fix something for dinner (chicken nuggets and frozen pizza; Yum!). Around 8:30, I head upstairs for my room and call Greg to see what his E.T.A is. He informs me that he's just getting off of Rt 100 and that he's going to stop at the store for toilet paper, ice, and soda, all of which we were out. So, I just lay in bed and watch TV. About 20 minutes later I hear Greg walk in the door and start to put the items away. After a few minutes he asks me to come down stairs. So, I get up and walk down stairs. Greg is in the kitchen and on the counter is a Strawberry Carvel Cake waiting for me and inside the box (which was open) was a card, which I've written the contents of said card at the beginning of this post. I really fought hard to hold back the tears that started to pool in my eyes. Once I calmed down, I turned to Greg and gave him a big hug, thanked him and told him that I love him. Afterwards, I cut the cake and ate a slice! Yummy!
Greg and I watched Hell's Kitchen. We expected Vinnie to go; boy can't cook Beef Wellington if his life depended on it! Which made Greg and I wonder why he was always at that station! But, the show wasn't as eventful as past episodes. Now, we just look forward to Top Chef tomorrow night.
After work, I am going to stop by Greg's office to make copies my information for the application to his current complex. Yesterday, Greg talked to the office and they informed him that they will need a signed letter from him Mom confirming that he will no be on the lease for that apartment, a signed letter from him confirming that he is removing himself from that apartment, my statement of my salary from my employer, my three most recent pay stubs, drivers license and security card. Thankfully, all of which I have.
I keep distracting myself by reading other peoples blogs. I have a regular one that I read about a women and her adventure with IVF, and then I read the blogs of her readers. It's a vicious circle.
I am trying to not think about what was planned for this coming Thursday and that this time next week, I should be living with Greg. I am really trying to not think those types of thoughts. Easier said than done; which is also why I've been distracting myself by reading the events in other peoples lives. It does help.
You.
" Jess,
I wish I could write so much of what I feel. I know things are tough right now, but we'll make it through. You mean the world to me. I love you with all my heart.
Greg
XOXOXOXOXOXO "
Last night, I was still in a funk of a mood. I didn't talk much to my brother or Aaron and just putted around the townhouse. Around 7:30, Greg calls and we chat for a few. I wasn't really in the mood to talk. He stated that he was a little sadden that I hadn't called, like I normally do, and that he shouldn't be much longer at work. After the conversation, I start my laundry and fix something for dinner (chicken nuggets and frozen pizza; Yum!). Around 8:30, I head upstairs for my room and call Greg to see what his E.T.A is. He informs me that he's just getting off of Rt 100 and that he's going to stop at the store for toilet paper, ice, and soda, all of which we were out. So, I just lay in bed and watch TV. About 20 minutes later I hear Greg walk in the door and start to put the items away. After a few minutes he asks me to come down stairs. So, I get up and walk down stairs. Greg is in the kitchen and on the counter is a Strawberry Carvel Cake waiting for me and inside the box (which was open) was a card, which I've written the contents of said card at the beginning of this post. I really fought hard to hold back the tears that started to pool in my eyes. Once I calmed down, I turned to Greg and gave him a big hug, thanked him and told him that I love him. Afterwards, I cut the cake and ate a slice! Yummy!
Greg and I watched Hell's Kitchen. We expected Vinnie to go; boy can't cook Beef Wellington if his life depended on it! Which made Greg and I wonder why he was always at that station! But, the show wasn't as eventful as past episodes. Now, we just look forward to Top Chef tomorrow night.
After work, I am going to stop by Greg's office to make copies my information for the application to his current complex. Yesterday, Greg talked to the office and they informed him that they will need a signed letter from him Mom confirming that he will no be on the lease for that apartment, a signed letter from him confirming that he is removing himself from that apartment, my statement of my salary from my employer, my three most recent pay stubs, drivers license and security card. Thankfully, all of which I have.
I keep distracting myself by reading other peoples blogs. I have a regular one that I read about a women and her adventure with IVF, and then I read the blogs of her readers. It's a vicious circle.
I am trying to not think about what was planned for this coming Thursday and that this time next week, I should be living with Greg. I am really trying to not think those types of thoughts. Easier said than done; which is also why I've been distracting myself by reading the events in other peoples lives. It does help.
25 June 2007
-no title-
I'm just not feeling it today.
I can't remember what Greg and I did, if anything, this past Friday.
On Saturday, we got up kinda early and went to check out a place and didn't like it one bit. They check your driving record, school records and so much more! Sheesh. After we checked that place out, we went to Target and did a little shopping. We bought Amelia her high chair; it's a chair that we can attach to any chair and converts to a booster seat when she's older. I bought my swimsuit, and a gift for my Cousin April. While we were at Target, we received so much attention due to Amelia and her amazing amount of hair! People were stopping in their tracks to look at her and tell Greg and me how beautiful she is and "Look at that head of hair!" Also, we found a gym thing that we want to get Amelia. It's Fisher-Price's Rain forest theme, which is what we're going for, and it is on springs so Amelia and jump up and down and such. We put her in the store model and she actually liked it! So, once Greg and I find a place to live, we're going to buy that gym thing. After Target, we went to Friendly's and had lunch and then headed home where we put the highchair together and tested it out on Amelia. She looked so small in it. Greg took pictures, I just haven't uploaded them, yet. Then, after that, we took a nap. Naps are something Greg and I usually don't do. The last time we took a nap in the late afternoon was when we went to the JSOH Airshow. The nap was short, but refreshing. Greg and I didn't do much for the rest of the day or night.
On Sunday, we headed down to Waldorf for my Cousin April's baby shower. April's gift opening took over two hours! She received so many items! Greg and I took pictures, but I did all the picture taking with Aprils camera. We played games and good times were had by all. Greg won one of the games! He won a purse that had Victoria's Secret fragrances inside. Of course, Greg gave me the purse and items. It was funny though. Greg and I left about a quarter to four and headed home. Once we reached 97, I asked if he wanted to stop by the airport park since the planes were taking off over the park and he said sure. Personally, I wanted to go because I've never seen planes take off from that view. Greg and I hung out there for about 20 minutes then we headed over to my old car to clean it out. Basically, I only took the items that I needed or wanted; the rest of the stuff I left since the car was going to be junked anyway. Some of the things I left in the car were my wedding pictures. I didn't have any prefessional pictures taken or anything, mind you, so it's not like I spent hundreds of dollars on these pictures. But, I didn't see any reason to hold on to them. Besides, they have been in the trunk of my car for at least two years and I haven't done anything with them. It was weird looking at myself from nearly four years ago (Adam and I married on Aug 8, 2003). I've changed a lot, physically, mentally, and emotionall, since then and I didn't see any reason to keeping the pictures. But, now that I think about it, I would like to go back and see if I can save some pictures that have my Aunt in them or Munner and Pop, all of whom are no longer here. That chapter closed; moving onto a new.
Oh, by the way, I am probably going to file my divorce papers this week; the day Greg and I are going to take off to look and file applications to a few places.
Oh, my Mom has Amelia for the week. Mom asked Greg and I on Saturday morning if she could take her after the babyshower and I told her that Greg and I would have to talk about it. The reason being is because 1. it would be short notice for April the Sitter; and 2. Greg doesn't want to burn out Mom with all the sitting; espeically since we're going to need her to watch Amelia for a week at the end of July. So, after Greg and I talked about it during lunch on Saturday, we decided it was ok. When I called Mom later that night and told her, she was all happy and excited and when I told her why we had to think about it, specifically Greg's reason, she just laughed. She said there is no way she could ever be burned out from spending time with her first Grandbaby.
I am so bummed that Greg and I are not going to be starting our lives together this week. It irritates me that I have to wait, at least, another month for us to be together. This move was the one thing I have been so looking forward to! I was counting the days since the month of April. I just can't seem to get out of this funk of a mood. Also, I was feeling a bit of jealousy on Sunday, while at the baby shower. Not because April received so many things, but because she is able to enjoy her pregnancy, talk about it, get all excited and so much more; whereas I couldn't and didn't. I believe if Greg were more accepting and excited about being a dad, as he was when he learned that my water broke, in the beginning when I found out I was pregnant, I might feel different. I wished I had a baby shower for me, again not for the gifts, to share my excitment and have everyone tell me how excited they are for Greg and me, and argue over the name and so forth. I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive family that was able to help Greg and me get all the things we needed for Amelia, even before she was born, then and now. I am happy about that, but there are some things I feel I missed out on with this being my first baby.
Greg and I talked a little about our future together as man and wife. I always ask him why he feels our relationship is different than our past and he usually responds that his feelings for me are different than what he felt with his exes. So, when I asked him again this past weekend, just to make conversation on the road, he told me what he's told his co-workers (which, again surprised me) "I enjoy spending time with you. I look forward to the nights I come over and don't want to leave you when it's time to go." For once, he feels love as deep as ours. Yes, he's been in love in the past, but that 'in-love' feeling wore off and he says the love he feels for me is nothing that he's felt for anyone else. It makes me feel good to hear him tell me that he's never felt love for anyone else as strong as he does for me; and the reason why is because I feel the exact same for him.
Ugh. I am really not in a good mood today. I've been very argumentive to customers who are cancelling for petty reasons. Which, may sound good on the monitorings showing my rebuttles or what not, but that's usually not my style.
Greg sent me an email telling me that he's going to stop by two places to pick up their application information and then bring them over tonight so we can talk about it. Honestly, right now I don't even know if I want Greg to come over. I am really in a funk of a mood with no real reason. The only thing I can guess is the whole week has been emotionally rough and I'm having a harder time dealing with it than I thought I was.
I haven't slept well in the last two days. My asthma kept me up on Saturday night and kept bothering me all Sunday. Then during the afternoon on Sunday, my back started to bother me and I knew it was from the difficulty of breathing. So, when we got home last night, I took some Alieve and layed in bed. I fell asleep somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00pm, but awoke around 3am because of my backache and I couldn't fall back asleep or get comfortable. So, around 4:45am, I got up and found some Vicodene from when I had my tooth pull and layed back in bed. It took probably a half hour for me start feeling the effect and fall back asleep. Then, my brother wakes me up a little before 6am because he locked himself outside and then around 7:21am, I am awoken to the noise of someone knocking on the door! I tell Greg it's his turn to answer the door since I let Sean in and then realize that I was dreaming. But, I hear the knock again and walk into Aaron's room to look out the window. I didn't realize that Aaron was still home, so I just bardge into his room! He startled me and then I ask if he heard the knocking and he said no, so I continue to look out the window and I don't see anything. So, I guess it was all in my head.
I am really not in the mood to work anymore. I don't want to deal with people right now and I've had some nasty phone calls today. I just can't wait until this day is over.
I can't remember what Greg and I did, if anything, this past Friday.
On Saturday, we got up kinda early and went to check out a place and didn't like it one bit. They check your driving record, school records and so much more! Sheesh. After we checked that place out, we went to Target and did a little shopping. We bought Amelia her high chair; it's a chair that we can attach to any chair and converts to a booster seat when she's older. I bought my swimsuit, and a gift for my Cousin April. While we were at Target, we received so much attention due to Amelia and her amazing amount of hair! People were stopping in their tracks to look at her and tell Greg and me how beautiful she is and "Look at that head of hair!" Also, we found a gym thing that we want to get Amelia. It's Fisher-Price's Rain forest theme, which is what we're going for, and it is on springs so Amelia and jump up and down and such. We put her in the store model and she actually liked it! So, once Greg and I find a place to live, we're going to buy that gym thing. After Target, we went to Friendly's and had lunch and then headed home where we put the highchair together and tested it out on Amelia. She looked so small in it. Greg took pictures, I just haven't uploaded them, yet. Then, after that, we took a nap. Naps are something Greg and I usually don't do. The last time we took a nap in the late afternoon was when we went to the JSOH Airshow. The nap was short, but refreshing. Greg and I didn't do much for the rest of the day or night.
On Sunday, we headed down to Waldorf for my Cousin April's baby shower. April's gift opening took over two hours! She received so many items! Greg and I took pictures, but I did all the picture taking with Aprils camera. We played games and good times were had by all. Greg won one of the games! He won a purse that had Victoria's Secret fragrances inside. Of course, Greg gave me the purse and items. It was funny though. Greg and I left about a quarter to four and headed home. Once we reached 97, I asked if he wanted to stop by the airport park since the planes were taking off over the park and he said sure. Personally, I wanted to go because I've never seen planes take off from that view. Greg and I hung out there for about 20 minutes then we headed over to my old car to clean it out. Basically, I only took the items that I needed or wanted; the rest of the stuff I left since the car was going to be junked anyway. Some of the things I left in the car were my wedding pictures. I didn't have any prefessional pictures taken or anything, mind you, so it's not like I spent hundreds of dollars on these pictures. But, I didn't see any reason to hold on to them. Besides, they have been in the trunk of my car for at least two years and I haven't done anything with them. It was weird looking at myself from nearly four years ago (Adam and I married on Aug 8, 2003). I've changed a lot, physically, mentally, and emotionall, since then and I didn't see any reason to keeping the pictures. But, now that I think about it, I would like to go back and see if I can save some pictures that have my Aunt in them or Munner and Pop, all of whom are no longer here. That chapter closed; moving onto a new.
Oh, by the way, I am probably going to file my divorce papers this week; the day Greg and I are going to take off to look and file applications to a few places.
Oh, my Mom has Amelia for the week. Mom asked Greg and I on Saturday morning if she could take her after the babyshower and I told her that Greg and I would have to talk about it. The reason being is because 1. it would be short notice for April the Sitter; and 2. Greg doesn't want to burn out Mom with all the sitting; espeically since we're going to need her to watch Amelia for a week at the end of July. So, after Greg and I talked about it during lunch on Saturday, we decided it was ok. When I called Mom later that night and told her, she was all happy and excited and when I told her why we had to think about it, specifically Greg's reason, she just laughed. She said there is no way she could ever be burned out from spending time with her first Grandbaby.
I am so bummed that Greg and I are not going to be starting our lives together this week. It irritates me that I have to wait, at least, another month for us to be together. This move was the one thing I have been so looking forward to! I was counting the days since the month of April. I just can't seem to get out of this funk of a mood. Also, I was feeling a bit of jealousy on Sunday, while at the baby shower. Not because April received so many things, but because she is able to enjoy her pregnancy, talk about it, get all excited and so much more; whereas I couldn't and didn't. I believe if Greg were more accepting and excited about being a dad, as he was when he learned that my water broke, in the beginning when I found out I was pregnant, I might feel different. I wished I had a baby shower for me, again not for the gifts, to share my excitment and have everyone tell me how excited they are for Greg and me, and argue over the name and so forth. I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive family that was able to help Greg and me get all the things we needed for Amelia, even before she was born, then and now. I am happy about that, but there are some things I feel I missed out on with this being my first baby.
Greg and I talked a little about our future together as man and wife. I always ask him why he feels our relationship is different than our past and he usually responds that his feelings for me are different than what he felt with his exes. So, when I asked him again this past weekend, just to make conversation on the road, he told me what he's told his co-workers (which, again surprised me) "I enjoy spending time with you. I look forward to the nights I come over and don't want to leave you when it's time to go." For once, he feels love as deep as ours. Yes, he's been in love in the past, but that 'in-love' feeling wore off and he says the love he feels for me is nothing that he's felt for anyone else. It makes me feel good to hear him tell me that he's never felt love for anyone else as strong as he does for me; and the reason why is because I feel the exact same for him.
Ugh. I am really not in a good mood today. I've been very argumentive to customers who are cancelling for petty reasons. Which, may sound good on the monitorings showing my rebuttles or what not, but that's usually not my style.
Greg sent me an email telling me that he's going to stop by two places to pick up their application information and then bring them over tonight so we can talk about it. Honestly, right now I don't even know if I want Greg to come over. I am really in a funk of a mood with no real reason. The only thing I can guess is the whole week has been emotionally rough and I'm having a harder time dealing with it than I thought I was.
I haven't slept well in the last two days. My asthma kept me up on Saturday night and kept bothering me all Sunday. Then during the afternoon on Sunday, my back started to bother me and I knew it was from the difficulty of breathing. So, when we got home last night, I took some Alieve and layed in bed. I fell asleep somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00pm, but awoke around 3am because of my backache and I couldn't fall back asleep or get comfortable. So, around 4:45am, I got up and found some Vicodene from when I had my tooth pull and layed back in bed. It took probably a half hour for me start feeling the effect and fall back asleep. Then, my brother wakes me up a little before 6am because he locked himself outside and then around 7:21am, I am awoken to the noise of someone knocking on the door! I tell Greg it's his turn to answer the door since I let Sean in and then realize that I was dreaming. But, I hear the knock again and walk into Aaron's room to look out the window. I didn't realize that Aaron was still home, so I just bardge into his room! He startled me and then I ask if he heard the knocking and he said no, so I continue to look out the window and I don't see anything. So, I guess it was all in my head.
I am really not in the mood to work anymore. I don't want to deal with people right now and I've had some nasty phone calls today. I just can't wait until this day is over.
21 June 2007
Re: @*%#& !!!!
UGH!!!!!
I spoke with the rental complex and it's a flat out NO .
I argued and cried over the phone. I stated that I have no place to live as of next week. She didn't offer any usable suggestions. With all said and done, I can not live there.
But, I could apply for another place within the management company.
I spoke to Greg after I spoke with the rental complex. He feels bad. But, he's remaining optimistic and hopeful.
I know in the back of my mind, I am too. But, at this very second, I don't feel it. What I do feel, aside from the obvious anger, is nauseous. I feel like I am going to be sick at any given second or sudden movement. I am going to assume this is due to the stress that has recently returned. Although, I felt this feeling of nausea before and blamed it on stress (around this time last year too) and it turns out I was pregnant. But, of course, I am not going to think that... no no no.
Work is going to be long today. Time will slow down and may even revert to going backwards, just for me.
I spoke with the rental complex and it's a flat out NO .
I argued and cried over the phone. I stated that I have no place to live as of next week. She didn't offer any usable suggestions. With all said and done, I can not live there.
But, I could apply for another place within the management company.
I spoke to Greg after I spoke with the rental complex. He feels bad. But, he's remaining optimistic and hopeful.
I know in the back of my mind, I am too. But, at this very second, I don't feel it. What I do feel, aside from the obvious anger, is nauseous. I feel like I am going to be sick at any given second or sudden movement. I am going to assume this is due to the stress that has recently returned. Although, I felt this feeling of nausea before and blamed it on stress (around this time last year too) and it turns out I was pregnant. But, of course, I am not going to think that... no no no.
Work is going to be long today. Time will slow down and may even revert to going backwards, just for me.
@*%#& !!!!
So. Um. Yeah.
Last night, I learned that we are not moving at the place that I've been so excited about.
As pissed, angry, sad, frustrated, hurt, pissed, as I feel. I've got to move on.
So, the search continues.
I called my Mom this morning to let you know. She sounded just as hurt as I did when I found out. She said God closes one door and opens a new window for a reason. I argued that 'God' has closed nearly every door in my 28 years of life and hasn't opened nearly as many windows in return.
The thing is, I HAVE TO find a place to live and urgently! Sean and Aaron are still moving too, you know.
I am waiting for the rental complex to open so that I can call them and argue with them. In the meantime, I continue searching and finding potential places and send the links to Greg for his opinion.
I have cried more than I thought. This sucks.
Last night, I learned that we are not moving at the place that I've been so excited about.
As pissed, angry, sad, frustrated, hurt, pissed, as I feel. I've got to move on.
So, the search continues.
I called my Mom this morning to let you know. She sounded just as hurt as I did when I found out. She said God closes one door and opens a new window for a reason. I argued that 'God' has closed nearly every door in my 28 years of life and hasn't opened nearly as many windows in return.
The thing is, I HAVE TO find a place to live and urgently! Sean and Aaron are still moving too, you know.
I am waiting for the rental complex to open so that I can call them and argue with them. In the meantime, I continue searching and finding potential places and send the links to Greg for his opinion.
I have cried more than I thought. This sucks.
19 June 2007
"I Need More Lotion"
That was the phrase for the night from Greg.
Poor Greg, he got a pretty bad sunburn on his face and forearms from the game. So, last night, I gave him my bottle of Aloe lotion and I swear he was putting that stuff on every 15-20 minutes! It was so funny, he was hoarding the bottle even in bed! I made a comment to him last night that I was going to write about his recent addiction to the aloe lotion. We just laughed. This morning, Greg took the lotion with him to work. I can only imagine what he's doing with the lotion at this moment.
Is anyone else watching Hell's Kitchen? Last night was good! I can't believe they choose these people as contestants! Where the hell are they coming from? Hell's Kitchen is completely opposite of Top Chef. At least with Top Chef, these contestants know what they are doing and making, whereas with Hell's Kitchen, it's all scream and holler and making a mess. Either way, though, both are very entertaining!
Greg and I have been emailing each other for a good part of the last hour. He had a lot on his mind yesterday and this morning, after we talked about the baby shower plans for the weekend, I asked how he was doing and such; well anyway, here's the email conversation:
"From: Greg S. [mailto:*****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:37 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
Just how amazing you are, how much I love having you in my life. How absolutly much you mean to me. Just how much I could never imagine my life without you.
How much I am utterly in love with you.
Jessica D wrote:
Aww, concentrate on me? What are you thinking about that pertains to me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Greg S. [mailto:*****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:30 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
any of it. Doesn't help to think about it, so I'll just concentraite on jobby job and you. :)
Jessica D wrote:
Which part?
I just want to make sure you’re ok and such.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Greg S. [mailto:*****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:20 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
eh not letting bother me.
Jessica D wrote:
That is good to hear.
How about your mental busy-ness (apartment stuff, *****, etc)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Greg S. [mailto:****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 10:59 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
busy but hanging in there. Headache is better"
I am still in awe over Greg. I still can't believe that my wish, dream, what have you, has come true. Greg is everything to me. He is my bestest friend and I can tell him anything without worry or fear of how he will react. Greg has told me during many occasions in the last year and a half that he considers me his best friend. He's told me that he's able to tell me anything, even now that we're in a relationship, that is on his mind regardless of the topic, and knows that my feelings for him will not change, I won't become jealous, and anything else that could effect our relationship. As a matter of fact, Greg and I are so close and open to each other, we talk about people we see in passing, say if we're at a park or restaurant, and ask what the other thinks of that person, sexually, and what not. I know Greg would never act upon these conversations, but I notice when something catches his eye and we talk or joke about it. I trust Greg. No second guessing of his loyalty to me. And, it's great that we are open with each other to talk about things as such. I really don't know where I would be, today, if I hadn't met Greg back in 2005.
Well, the baby shower for my cousin is actually on Sunday. Which is better for Greg and me. It means that we can get the money orders for the new townhouse and go there to finish the application for Greg. And, then we can go clean out the Pontiac. I spoke with the owner of the shop where the car has been, and he's going to have it towed to a junk yard for me; free of charge. So, that would complete one task that has been plaguing the back of my mind.
Ugh, it's so freaking hot outside! Have I mentioned how much I dislike summer? Well, I'll repeat it again: I really dislike summer! I do not like the humidity, the bugs, the thick air (which is the humidity, I know) and the hot hot heat! Blah!
Last night, Greg brought over one of his tubs. The plan is that he's going to bring over a tub or two each time he comes over so that we're able to move everything as efficiently as possible. The tub he brought over last night was his tub of memories, basically. He has awards from high school, his high school picture, items from when he worked at MicroPros, items from when he lived in New York, items from his first Disney Cruise, and many more items. We went through the entire tub. We kept some things, but threw a lot away as well. The items we threw away were things he couldn't remember why he saved, such as a Washington Post from 2001, pictures from an Airplane trip to New York and hotel stay, old note pads, and instruction manuals for his old stereo. It was interesting to go through the stuff with Greg. It made me think of my old chest that I used to keep, but threw away last year. Right now, I have a photo album that I've used to collect pictures of my friends and when I was in the newspaper and things related. It turns out that Greg and I both saved Far Side comics that we found interesting!
I've started to save a few things of Amelia's. So far, I've saved everything from the hospital, such as the hats she wore and every piece of paper I was given (the card in her bassinet, the results of her hearing tests, her foot prints, etc).
My Mom and I were talking earlier today (it's 2:53pm as I type) and she is clueless on what to get April for her baby shower this weekend. I suggested that she make a memory box for April and my Mom loved the idea! I told her that she doesn't have to make it now, but it would probably be better to give April the box when her baby is born. I can't wait for April's baby girl to be here. I can't wait to hold her and to see the size difference of Amelia and Aprils baby. As for a name for Aprils baby, the last I heard, it was going to be Olivia Ellen, or Ollie El as I'm probably going to call her. She also toyed with the name of Charlotte, but once she said the nickname would be Charlie, Clayton nixed the name. So, we are not to think of nicknames for the baby around Clayton. LOL
I started this post at 11:30am, and I am just finishing at 3:00pm.
Poor Greg, he got a pretty bad sunburn on his face and forearms from the game. So, last night, I gave him my bottle of Aloe lotion and I swear he was putting that stuff on every 15-20 minutes! It was so funny, he was hoarding the bottle even in bed! I made a comment to him last night that I was going to write about his recent addiction to the aloe lotion. We just laughed. This morning, Greg took the lotion with him to work. I can only imagine what he's doing with the lotion at this moment.
Is anyone else watching Hell's Kitchen? Last night was good! I can't believe they choose these people as contestants! Where the hell are they coming from? Hell's Kitchen is completely opposite of Top Chef. At least with Top Chef, these contestants know what they are doing and making, whereas with Hell's Kitchen, it's all scream and holler and making a mess. Either way, though, both are very entertaining!
Greg and I have been emailing each other for a good part of the last hour. He had a lot on his mind yesterday and this morning, after we talked about the baby shower plans for the weekend, I asked how he was doing and such; well anyway, here's the email conversation:
"From: Greg S. [mailto:*****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:37 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
Just how amazing you are, how much I love having you in my life. How absolutly much you mean to me. Just how much I could never imagine my life without you.
How much I am utterly in love with you.
Jessica D wrote:
Aww, concentrate on me? What are you thinking about that pertains to me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Greg S. [mailto:*****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:30 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
any of it. Doesn't help to think about it, so I'll just concentraite on jobby job and you. :)
Jessica D wrote:
Which part?
I just want to make sure you’re ok and such.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Greg S. [mailto:*****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:20 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
eh not letting bother me.
Jessica D wrote:
That is good to hear.
How about your mental busy-ness (apartment stuff, *****, etc)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Greg S. [mailto:****@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 10:59 AM
To: Jessica D
Subject: RE: FW: Baby Shower
busy but hanging in there. Headache is better"
I am still in awe over Greg. I still can't believe that my wish, dream, what have you, has come true. Greg is everything to me. He is my bestest friend and I can tell him anything without worry or fear of how he will react. Greg has told me during many occasions in the last year and a half that he considers me his best friend. He's told me that he's able to tell me anything, even now that we're in a relationship, that is on his mind regardless of the topic, and knows that my feelings for him will not change, I won't become jealous, and anything else that could effect our relationship. As a matter of fact, Greg and I are so close and open to each other, we talk about people we see in passing, say if we're at a park or restaurant, and ask what the other thinks of that person, sexually, and what not. I know Greg would never act upon these conversations, but I notice when something catches his eye and we talk or joke about it. I trust Greg. No second guessing of his loyalty to me. And, it's great that we are open with each other to talk about things as such. I really don't know where I would be, today, if I hadn't met Greg back in 2005.
Well, the baby shower for my cousin is actually on Sunday. Which is better for Greg and me. It means that we can get the money orders for the new townhouse and go there to finish the application for Greg. And, then we can go clean out the Pontiac. I spoke with the owner of the shop where the car has been, and he's going to have it towed to a junk yard for me; free of charge. So, that would complete one task that has been plaguing the back of my mind.
Ugh, it's so freaking hot outside! Have I mentioned how much I dislike summer? Well, I'll repeat it again: I really dislike summer! I do not like the humidity, the bugs, the thick air (which is the humidity, I know) and the hot hot heat! Blah!
Last night, Greg brought over one of his tubs. The plan is that he's going to bring over a tub or two each time he comes over so that we're able to move everything as efficiently as possible. The tub he brought over last night was his tub of memories, basically. He has awards from high school, his high school picture, items from when he worked at MicroPros, items from when he lived in New York, items from his first Disney Cruise, and many more items. We went through the entire tub. We kept some things, but threw a lot away as well. The items we threw away were things he couldn't remember why he saved, such as a Washington Post from 2001, pictures from an Airplane trip to New York and hotel stay, old note pads, and instruction manuals for his old stereo. It was interesting to go through the stuff with Greg. It made me think of my old chest that I used to keep, but threw away last year. Right now, I have a photo album that I've used to collect pictures of my friends and when I was in the newspaper and things related. It turns out that Greg and I both saved Far Side comics that we found interesting!
I've started to save a few things of Amelia's. So far, I've saved everything from the hospital, such as the hats she wore and every piece of paper I was given (the card in her bassinet, the results of her hearing tests, her foot prints, etc).
My Mom and I were talking earlier today (it's 2:53pm as I type) and she is clueless on what to get April for her baby shower this weekend. I suggested that she make a memory box for April and my Mom loved the idea! I told her that she doesn't have to make it now, but it would probably be better to give April the box when her baby is born. I can't wait for April's baby girl to be here. I can't wait to hold her and to see the size difference of Amelia and Aprils baby. As for a name for Aprils baby, the last I heard, it was going to be Olivia Ellen, or Ollie El as I'm probably going to call her. She also toyed with the name of Charlotte, but once she said the nickname would be Charlie, Clayton nixed the name. So, we are not to think of nicknames for the baby around Clayton. LOL
I started this post at 11:30am, and I am just finishing at 3:00pm.
03 June 2007
Spring Cleaning!
All we, Sean, Aaron, and I, have done today is clean!
This morning, once Amelia was asleep, I ran out to Giant and picked up some cleaning supplies and products. I spent $75! Sheesh!
We've cleaned a lot of the little stuff, such as the doors, steps, walls, etc. As well as the floors, laundry, tub, etc. Just a lot to do! And, we're doing pretty good with time.
What has motivated this extensive cleaning is the landlords pending visit. We haven't talked to her since Friday. We don't even know if she is in fact coming over but we don't want to take the chance of her stopping by and the place looking like it did. I am planning on taking pictures once we're done.
Amelia has been ok, so far. I haven't been able to do much for my room because I was working on the kitchen and bathroom. So, I called Greg to see if he would watch Amelia for a few hours so I could get my stuff done and his responce was "It's my day off." He's gets a whole day to himself. I am with Amelia every single day. All I asked was for a few hours and all he could tell me what that it's his day off. What the fuck! I ended the conversation with something along the lines of something about playing his computer games and he mentioned something about the Mon Wed Fri when he's over as my days off, even though I still help him with Amelia, and I said fine and hung up on him. I was, and still am, pissed that he would rather spend all fucking day playing his precious computer games (and do his laundry, which was needed and he's been up since 9:30am and I asked him how he was on his task of things to do and he said he was fine and that is when I asked if I could drop Amelia off so I could get my tasks done) and he basically said no because he wants to play games. We only have a little more than 3 weeks to pack and clean. I want to get a head start and the only time is on the weekends. I am so angry and hurt right now. I don't plan on calling Greg at all today. I don't even know if I want to talk to him. Period.
This morning, once Amelia was asleep, I ran out to Giant and picked up some cleaning supplies and products. I spent $75! Sheesh!
We've cleaned a lot of the little stuff, such as the doors, steps, walls, etc. As well as the floors, laundry, tub, etc. Just a lot to do! And, we're doing pretty good with time.
What has motivated this extensive cleaning is the landlords pending visit. We haven't talked to her since Friday. We don't even know if she is in fact coming over but we don't want to take the chance of her stopping by and the place looking like it did. I am planning on taking pictures once we're done.
Amelia has been ok, so far. I haven't been able to do much for my room because I was working on the kitchen and bathroom. So, I called Greg to see if he would watch Amelia for a few hours so I could get my stuff done and his responce was "It's my day off." He's gets a whole day to himself. I am with Amelia every single day. All I asked was for a few hours and all he could tell me what that it's his day off. What the fuck! I ended the conversation with something along the lines of something about playing his computer games and he mentioned something about the Mon Wed Fri when he's over as my days off, even though I still help him with Amelia, and I said fine and hung up on him. I was, and still am, pissed that he would rather spend all fucking day playing his precious computer games (and do his laundry, which was needed and he's been up since 9:30am and I asked him how he was on his task of things to do and he said he was fine and that is when I asked if I could drop Amelia off so I could get my tasks done) and he basically said no because he wants to play games. We only have a little more than 3 weeks to pack and clean. I want to get a head start and the only time is on the weekends. I am so angry and hurt right now. I don't plan on calling Greg at all today. I don't even know if I want to talk to him. Period.
01 June 2007
Is It Possible...
That this day can get any worse?
The place that my car was towed to, AA America on Aviation Blvd., doesn't know exactly what's wrong with my car but they want a $400 despoit! They said they need the deposit to do the tests: Scanner test, Complressor test, and sensor test, to get an idea of what's wrong. All I want if for them to fix the reason the car won't go when I give it gas. So, I am looking for a new place to take my car.
I am so freaking stressed right now. That feeling of giving up is starting to invade my mind. It feels like I'll never get a head in things, such as a car or Greg and I moving in and such. This is so frustrating. Will it ever end?
The place that my car was towed to, AA America on Aviation Blvd., doesn't know exactly what's wrong with my car but they want a $400 despoit! They said they need the deposit to do the tests: Scanner test, Complressor test, and sensor test, to get an idea of what's wrong. All I want if for them to fix the reason the car won't go when I give it gas. So, I am looking for a new place to take my car.
I am so freaking stressed right now. That feeling of giving up is starting to invade my mind. It feels like I'll never get a head in things, such as a car or Greg and I moving in and such. This is so frustrating. Will it ever end?
27 May 2007
Finally, a break!
Today has been so demanding!
I woke up pretty energized yet I wasn't able to complete a damn thing. There were so many items that I wanted to do today. Oh well, I can only hope for tomorrow.
This morning I went to the grocery store at like 10:30am! I even took Amelia with me. I decided, since I was feeling to energetic, to have a bbq this evening. So, I bought chicken and hamburger as well as items to make pasta salad, along with corn on the cob. Yummy! After the grocery store, I wanted to clean the bathroom, my room, do the laundry, and clean the kitchen. That was what I was in the mood for. Erie, I know.
All I did today was make the hamburger patties and that's it. Amelia took all my time today. She just wouldn't play with her toys. And, she was pretty cranky too. Greg thinks she's going to start teething soon. She slept very little today as well.
Also, Greg and I planned on checking out this place in Odenton,. We first set a time of 4:00-4:30 to meet, then he calls me at 3:15 and pushes it back to 5:00. This upset me because there was so much I wanted to do and him pushing this back an hour just delayed my mental schedule. I was pretty mad. But, I moved on. So, around 4:30 I leave to meet Greg at the complex and he hasn't even left his apartment yet! Oh, that angered me even more. He pushed the time back an hour and he was still going to be late. I was pretty hot when I learned this and I let him know it without sounding like a bitch. The only thing that really annoys me is Greg's tardiness. It picks me like nothing else ever has. I, personally, hate being late for anything. And, yet I am still able to be on time for anything even with a baby, and Greg can't be on time for anything except work and he doesn't have a baby to take care of or get ready in the mornings or any other time of day. So, how am I able to do this and he isn't? I don't get it. Again, even though I know he doesn't mean it, but every time he is late it just makes me feel that he doesn't care about the reason we set the time in the first place. He offered to come over tonight, even though he isn't over on Sundays, to help me with tomorrow since we both have the day off of work and the babysitter is going out of town. So, I accepted his help. But, if you're not going to honor your offer, why even bother? Ugh, I am still feeling pretty angry about this.
Anyway, when I arrived at the complex I was appalled at the condition and called Greg and told him to not bother meeting me here. The place isn't even worth applying. So, the hunt continues.
I ended up behind Greg once I got close to home. When we arrived, I cleaned the grill and started the fire. I prefer charcole grilling than gas grilling. Yes, a gas grill reaches the temperature faster but it doesn't have the wonderful taste that charcole grilling gives teh food. So, the wait is worth it for me.
I started with the chicken breasts, but the fire wasn't hot enough and it looked like it was about to rain, so I put them in the oven to finish cooking. But, I had to have the hamburgers cooked on the grill no matter what. Which, I have finally completed! While the hamburgers and chicken were cooking, I made pasta salad, and messed it up. Don't ask how. But, I was able to fix it and Greg loves it. After the salad, I shucked the corn and can you believe Greg has never shucked corn in his life? I don't understand how that is possible! I rather enjoy shucking corn. So, I got the corn cooking in the pot and decide to cook bacon for the hamburgers and chicken. I cooked an entire package of bacon. I think I am craving bacon as well. LOL
So, I believe everything is finally done and just in time because I am starving! I haven't eatin much today because Amelia wouldn't let me put her down, even while she was asleep for 10 minutes at a time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her and I love playing with her and talking to her, but I need time alone to get things done it it picks at me inside. Almost like OCD, but not so severe and once in a blue moon. Weird, I know.
Anyway, time to eat. I hope to finish tomorrow.
I woke up pretty energized yet I wasn't able to complete a damn thing. There were so many items that I wanted to do today. Oh well, I can only hope for tomorrow.
This morning I went to the grocery store at like 10:30am! I even took Amelia with me. I decided, since I was feeling to energetic, to have a bbq this evening. So, I bought chicken and hamburger as well as items to make pasta salad, along with corn on the cob. Yummy! After the grocery store, I wanted to clean the bathroom, my room, do the laundry, and clean the kitchen. That was what I was in the mood for. Erie, I know.
All I did today was make the hamburger patties and that's it. Amelia took all my time today. She just wouldn't play with her toys. And, she was pretty cranky too. Greg thinks she's going to start teething soon. She slept very little today as well.
Also, Greg and I planned on checking out this place in Odenton,. We first set a time of 4:00-4:30 to meet, then he calls me at 3:15 and pushes it back to 5:00. This upset me because there was so much I wanted to do and him pushing this back an hour just delayed my mental schedule. I was pretty mad. But, I moved on. So, around 4:30 I leave to meet Greg at the complex and he hasn't even left his apartment yet! Oh, that angered me even more. He pushed the time back an hour and he was still going to be late. I was pretty hot when I learned this and I let him know it without sounding like a bitch. The only thing that really annoys me is Greg's tardiness. It picks me like nothing else ever has. I, personally, hate being late for anything. And, yet I am still able to be on time for anything even with a baby, and Greg can't be on time for anything except work and he doesn't have a baby to take care of or get ready in the mornings or any other time of day. So, how am I able to do this and he isn't? I don't get it. Again, even though I know he doesn't mean it, but every time he is late it just makes me feel that he doesn't care about the reason we set the time in the first place. He offered to come over tonight, even though he isn't over on Sundays, to help me with tomorrow since we both have the day off of work and the babysitter is going out of town. So, I accepted his help. But, if you're not going to honor your offer, why even bother? Ugh, I am still feeling pretty angry about this.
Anyway, when I arrived at the complex I was appalled at the condition and called Greg and told him to not bother meeting me here. The place isn't even worth applying. So, the hunt continues.
I ended up behind Greg once I got close to home. When we arrived, I cleaned the grill and started the fire. I prefer charcole grilling than gas grilling. Yes, a gas grill reaches the temperature faster but it doesn't have the wonderful taste that charcole grilling gives teh food. So, the wait is worth it for me.
I started with the chicken breasts, but the fire wasn't hot enough and it looked like it was about to rain, so I put them in the oven to finish cooking. But, I had to have the hamburgers cooked on the grill no matter what. Which, I have finally completed! While the hamburgers and chicken were cooking, I made pasta salad, and messed it up. Don't ask how. But, I was able to fix it and Greg loves it. After the salad, I shucked the corn and can you believe Greg has never shucked corn in his life? I don't understand how that is possible! I rather enjoy shucking corn. So, I got the corn cooking in the pot and decide to cook bacon for the hamburgers and chicken. I cooked an entire package of bacon. I think I am craving bacon as well. LOL
So, I believe everything is finally done and just in time because I am starving! I haven't eatin much today because Amelia wouldn't let me put her down, even while she was asleep for 10 minutes at a time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her and I love playing with her and talking to her, but I need time alone to get things done it it picks at me inside. Almost like OCD, but not so severe and once in a blue moon. Weird, I know.
Anyway, time to eat. I hope to finish tomorrow.
24 May 2007
Thursdays Trials & Tribulations
This week has probably got to be the worst week I've experienced in some time.
I am feeling a little better today, though not by much. At least I don't have a headache anymore.
I just sent the following email to Greg:
Do you know how much you mean to me? How special you make me feel? How much I value your thoughts and feelings about us? How much I truly and deeply love you and how scared that makes me feel, only because I have never felt like this for someone in my entire life?
I just want to tell you that you are the most amazing person to ever enter my life and I value everyday I have with you, regardless of how challenging I may make it (like last night).
You are my future. And I couldn't’t be happier.
I love you.
Jess
and this is his reply:
Awwwwwww. That makes me feel so good and special thank you so much baby. Everything this morning felt so great, even just the snooze button pushing and cuddling. :)
Nothing has ever felt as right as it does with you....we just feel so perfect for each other and I love it. I love you so much Jess Jess, and I can't wait to live with you everyday and we can start our own lives as a family. :)
I didn't mind last night as long as we talk it out and come to understandings, challenges are what make so varied and fun. :)
Love you soo much,
Greg
::HUGS:: ::SMOOCHES::
I know I challenge Greg with all these weird crazy mood swings I go through but he doesn't seem to mind. He wants me to tell him whats bothering me, he wants to help me feel better. Last night, Greg and I stayed at work until 9pm. A majority of that time we were talking about people from our past and the 'friendships' that continued. I told Greg about the conversation with Dave and Greg read my blog entry as well. I told Greg what really pissed me off about Dave was that he couldn't tell me the truth. Like I said, if you're going to exclude me from your life after a 10 year history, at least be honest and tell me why. I would tell him, or anyone for that matter, why I decided to no longer be friends. But, I am over Dave's bullshit. I've already moved on.
The discussion Greg and I had last night has helped me feel better about things in general. It was frustrating to try to explain what I was feeling even when I didn't know what I was feeling. But, the conversation ended up revolving how we see people as a friend vs. acquaintance.
Once Greg and I left his job, we ran to Giant to get ice (Greg and I have a weird need for bagged ice) and drinks. Then, we headed over to Denny's for a late dinner. It was after 10:30 by the time we got home. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Greg and I didn't talk about any of our previous conversation of the night and just watched tv. Then, around 11:30 I decided that I wanted to make love to Greg and we had an amazing evening. And, then he was asleep! I hate it when he falls asleep before me because I want to fall asleep as he's running his fingers through my hair or petting me. But, he tried to stay awake though he wasn't successful.
This morning, Greg and I kept hitting the snooze button on our cell phones. Neither of us wanted to wake up, much less get out of bed and go to work. Sleep felt so good. I slept so deeply too. I usually do after a good night of crying or when I am extreamly stressed, and last night was both. Also, last night I has a really weird dream: I dreampt that I was at some bar/resturant and I stepped away from Amelia who was on this round sofa/couch thing. She was the same age as she is now, four months old, and as I was at the counter getting the sodas and pizza, some worker yelled at me for putting the money on the counter and the menu and I was like, geez! Then, I turned around and saw Amelia making her way off the round sofa. She wasn't rolling off, she was climbing off, and as soon as she reached the ground she just layed there because she can't crawl or sit up on her own yet. And I remember thinking in my dream how weird it was for her to be able to do that. Then, out of no where, a person that I went to high school with, Steven, sat down on the sofa with me and we started a conversation. The dream was just so weird.
I leave in about a half hour to meet my Mom in Chuck Co. On my way to work, I realized that I forgot to pack any type of clothing. No pajamas, no underpants, nothing at all! How absent minded can I be? At least Greg and I remembered to put the stroller back in my car from his.
There was something else I wanted to write but I can't remember it at the moment.
Oh well.
Until then...
Jess
I am feeling a little better today, though not by much. At least I don't have a headache anymore.
I just sent the following email to Greg:
Do you know how much you mean to me? How special you make me feel? How much I value your thoughts and feelings about us? How much I truly and deeply love you and how scared that makes me feel, only because I have never felt like this for someone in my entire life?
I just want to tell you that you are the most amazing person to ever enter my life and I value everyday I have with you, regardless of how challenging I may make it (like last night).
You are my future. And I couldn't’t be happier.
I love you.
Jess
and this is his reply:
Awwwwwww. That makes me feel so good and special thank you so much baby. Everything this morning felt so great, even just the snooze button pushing and cuddling. :)
Nothing has ever felt as right as it does with you....we just feel so perfect for each other and I love it. I love you so much Jess Jess, and I can't wait to live with you everyday and we can start our own lives as a family. :)
I didn't mind last night as long as we talk it out and come to understandings, challenges are what make so varied and fun. :)
Love you soo much,
Greg
::HUGS:: ::SMOOCHES::
I know I challenge Greg with all these weird crazy mood swings I go through but he doesn't seem to mind. He wants me to tell him whats bothering me, he wants to help me feel better. Last night, Greg and I stayed at work until 9pm. A majority of that time we were talking about people from our past and the 'friendships' that continued. I told Greg about the conversation with Dave and Greg read my blog entry as well. I told Greg what really pissed me off about Dave was that he couldn't tell me the truth. Like I said, if you're going to exclude me from your life after a 10 year history, at least be honest and tell me why. I would tell him, or anyone for that matter, why I decided to no longer be friends. But, I am over Dave's bullshit. I've already moved on.
The discussion Greg and I had last night has helped me feel better about things in general. It was frustrating to try to explain what I was feeling even when I didn't know what I was feeling. But, the conversation ended up revolving how we see people as a friend vs. acquaintance.
Once Greg and I left his job, we ran to Giant to get ice (Greg and I have a weird need for bagged ice) and drinks. Then, we headed over to Denny's for a late dinner. It was after 10:30 by the time we got home. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Greg and I didn't talk about any of our previous conversation of the night and just watched tv. Then, around 11:30 I decided that I wanted to make love to Greg and we had an amazing evening. And, then he was asleep! I hate it when he falls asleep before me because I want to fall asleep as he's running his fingers through my hair or petting me. But, he tried to stay awake though he wasn't successful.
This morning, Greg and I kept hitting the snooze button on our cell phones. Neither of us wanted to wake up, much less get out of bed and go to work. Sleep felt so good. I slept so deeply too. I usually do after a good night of crying or when I am extreamly stressed, and last night was both. Also, last night I has a really weird dream: I dreampt that I was at some bar/resturant and I stepped away from Amelia who was on this round sofa/couch thing. She was the same age as she is now, four months old, and as I was at the counter getting the sodas and pizza, some worker yelled at me for putting the money on the counter and the menu and I was like, geez! Then, I turned around and saw Amelia making her way off the round sofa. She wasn't rolling off, she was climbing off, and as soon as she reached the ground she just layed there because she can't crawl or sit up on her own yet. And I remember thinking in my dream how weird it was for her to be able to do that. Then, out of no where, a person that I went to high school with, Steven, sat down on the sofa with me and we started a conversation. The dream was just so weird.
I leave in about a half hour to meet my Mom in Chuck Co. On my way to work, I realized that I forgot to pack any type of clothing. No pajamas, no underpants, nothing at all! How absent minded can I be? At least Greg and I remembered to put the stroller back in my car from his.
There was something else I wanted to write but I can't remember it at the moment.
Oh well.
Until then...
Jess
22 May 2007
Whacked
My brain is causing things to be whacked for me.
I am feeling so alone right now for no real reason and I hate this.
So many random thoughts went through my mind on my way home. One thought was if I named Amelia the right name. My mom was so adamant about the name Natalie. I just don't like the name. Then, one day while I was at work, I received a phone call from a customer in Massachusetts and her name was Amelia and that is when I decided on a name. I was toying with the name of Evelyn as well. I have a thing for the old timey names. Amelia's middle name was something Greg and I agreed on because it sounded right; Amelia Margaret Frye. I still can't believe that I named a person. Does the name suit her? Will she like it when she's older? There is so much unknown...
After work I went over to Greg's work. I ended up hanging out for nearly two hours. We talked about a certain someone and stuff. I have something bothering me and I don't know why. In a sort, it feels like there is some competition; although I am not competing for or with anything. So frustrating! I tried to explain this to Greg and he's passive about it. He doesn't understand, yet frankly I don't understand why I am feeling this myself and it's bothering me on the inside.
Greg thinks I am feeling the way I am because there is so much 'unknown' going on with us. We don't know where we're going to be living come July, I don't know how much I am making any more since there was an 'error' on my proposal letter from HR and they haven't sent me a new letter, I don't know how much my first check is going to be, I don't know when Adam is going to mail the divorce papers, ect.
There is too much stuff going on and this recent death in the family just made things worse. And, I want Greg to be with me but we don't think he'll be able to do so because this is Labor Day weekend and five people have already taken this Friday off. I just want him to hold my hand during the funeral. But, at the same time I feel like I am being selfish by wanting him with me when He could be working and earning more money for us. He says I am not being selfish for wanting him to be there for me, even though he's never met this person. I don't know.
Work is being really nice about all this time off. My supervisor said I could borrow time so I can have a full 80 hour paycheck. I am still in my probation period and am not allowed to use my vacation, personal, or floating holidays yet. Sp. tjat os nice of them.
I am feeling so alone right now for no real reason and I hate this.
So many random thoughts went through my mind on my way home. One thought was if I named Amelia the right name. My mom was so adamant about the name Natalie. I just don't like the name. Then, one day while I was at work, I received a phone call from a customer in Massachusetts and her name was Amelia and that is when I decided on a name. I was toying with the name of Evelyn as well. I have a thing for the old timey names. Amelia's middle name was something Greg and I agreed on because it sounded right; Amelia Margaret Frye. I still can't believe that I named a person. Does the name suit her? Will she like it when she's older? There is so much unknown...
After work I went over to Greg's work. I ended up hanging out for nearly two hours. We talked about a certain someone and stuff. I have something bothering me and I don't know why. In a sort, it feels like there is some competition; although I am not competing for or with anything. So frustrating! I tried to explain this to Greg and he's passive about it. He doesn't understand, yet frankly I don't understand why I am feeling this myself and it's bothering me on the inside.
Greg thinks I am feeling the way I am because there is so much 'unknown' going on with us. We don't know where we're going to be living come July, I don't know how much I am making any more since there was an 'error' on my proposal letter from HR and they haven't sent me a new letter, I don't know how much my first check is going to be, I don't know when Adam is going to mail the divorce papers, ect.
There is too much stuff going on and this recent death in the family just made things worse. And, I want Greg to be with me but we don't think he'll be able to do so because this is Labor Day weekend and five people have already taken this Friday off. I just want him to hold my hand during the funeral. But, at the same time I feel like I am being selfish by wanting him with me when He could be working and earning more money for us. He says I am not being selfish for wanting him to be there for me, even though he's never met this person. I don't know.
Work is being really nice about all this time off. My supervisor said I could borrow time so I can have a full 80 hour paycheck. I am still in my probation period and am not allowed to use my vacation, personal, or floating holidays yet. Sp. tjat os nice of them.
Tuesday Tidbits
I wasn't in such a good mood by the end of the day yesterday. And Greg didn't help with matters.
Traffic was a bitch on 100 for no apparent reason; I was nearly rear ended three times by the jackass behind me; and Greg was hella late.
When I did finally get home, I turned the oven on to start dinner for Greg and me. Nothing special, frozen pizza. Then, I begin to clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher and turn it on. Once that was done, I sit down with Aaron, Craven, and Sean and we chat it up for a little bit. By now it's 7:30 and Greg isn't home and he hasn't called. I debate if I should call him or not but I ended up calling him. I asked if he coming over and he said yeah and then I told him about a realization that came across me and how it made me sad. This realization is that Greg will never arrive when he says he will regardless if he's coming from work or home. I can understand if he has to stay late and he should call if he is, but for all other times; he won't be punctual. I, on the other hand, am a very punctual person. I hate being late. So, yes, this is a pet peeve I have about Greg and he knows about it and how it makes me feel. But, more importantly was realizing the feeling I had when I came to the realization about Greg and his lack of punctuality and that was a very sad feeling because, even though I know he doesn't mean it, when he is late I feel as if he doesn't care about my feelings and what we have planned for our time together.
On the bright side, Greg keeps raving about our future together especially with the move. He says he can't wait until we can be a family. That makes me feel good because this is real. After all that he and I went through in November and December and how things have completely changed for us; I am a Mother and Greg is a Father and we are together no matter what.
I was thinking on the way to work this morning about how some people set goals and what they want at a certain age. For me, it used to be that I wanted to have my first baby by the time I was 25. I didn't care if I was married or not. But, then I met Adam when I was 19 and then we married when I was 24. I could have had a baby by 25 and be married! It was the 'traditional' way to start a life so to speak. Well, I blew that and now I am in the process of a divorce and had a baby with another man while still legally married. How Jerry Springer is that? But, here I am , 28 years old. I had a baby 3 weeks before my 28th birthday, so I was only a few years behind my 'goal'. I was also thinking about how could anyone be a stay at home mom. All the props to ya if you can achieve that because there is no way I could. I need to work or I would go nuts. A lot of people say that if they won the lottery they would quit their jobs; I wouldn't. What I would do if I won the lottery is take time off of work, travel to all the places I've ever dreamed of, take care of my closest friends and family, finish my degree and get a job that is on track with my career choice (Nursing) and move on from there. There is no way I can not live without being around other people. Yes, there are the Mommy and Me clubs and what not, but I don't associate well with other females. Girls are too negative; competitive; back stabbing; and many other adjectives. Granted, not ALL females are like that. I do have some very close friends that are girls that I couldn't live without (Kara and Michele) but, in general, my experience with other females hasn't been the most positive. I get along better with the guys. They, on the other hand, don't care if I don't brush my hair, shaved my legs (though I can't go longer than 3 days without shaving otherwise I go crazy on the inside), wear the same shirt 2 days in a row, etc. I guess this is also because I am not a 'girlie girl'. I only have 2 pairs of shoes; work and tennis shoes, I own very little makeup and still don't wear it. I have very little jewelry and what I do have I don't wear, I don't do anything with my hair other than wear headbands or barrettes, I DO like to wear skirts or dresses because I feel my legs are my greatest physical feature (used to be boobs, but with all the weight loss I no longer have the boobs I used to) and want to show them off especially for a person of my size (my legs have great tone). I will admit that at times I think about being a little more girlie but that thought doesn't last very long although it may change now that I have a baby girl. My Mom comments on how I DON'T buy dresses and girlie things for Amelia and I tell her two things; 1. No urge, and 2. No money, which I guess is a blessing in disguise.
Ugh, this week isn't going so well. I feel this will be another emotionally moody week for me; although, usually when I get like this the one thing that I am hoping usually happens and for now it's knowing where Greg and I are going to live come July. I am still feeling anger towards Greg's ex-girlfriend about the difficulty Greg and I are having but I have to keep telling myself that it's been a little over 2 years now and it's said and done and we can't change anything about it. But, I still have the right to be angry in my mind.
Denise, Greg's step-mom, mailed me a gratuation invitation last week. That was nice of her. She also included a picture of Renee, her oldest daughter. She looks so mature! This morning, Denise also emailed me pictures from Renee's prom and in the pictures was a picture of Denise. Before, I've never seen a picture of her and we've only talked on the phone once and this isn't a bad thing or whatnot, but she isn't what I pictured! I was picturing the all american suburban house wife, kinda like Donna Reed, especially since she sounded like her, slightly, and how she scrapbooked and made the Easter Basket. In any event, when I told Greg he said that I should tell Denise that she sounds like a blonde, which she isn't.
Well, it's been nearly 3 hours since I started this post and I have to start a new one based on another email I received this morning...
Traffic was a bitch on 100 for no apparent reason; I was nearly rear ended three times by the jackass behind me; and Greg was hella late.
When I did finally get home, I turned the oven on to start dinner for Greg and me. Nothing special, frozen pizza. Then, I begin to clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher and turn it on. Once that was done, I sit down with Aaron, Craven, and Sean and we chat it up for a little bit. By now it's 7:30 and Greg isn't home and he hasn't called. I debate if I should call him or not but I ended up calling him. I asked if he coming over and he said yeah and then I told him about a realization that came across me and how it made me sad. This realization is that Greg will never arrive when he says he will regardless if he's coming from work or home. I can understand if he has to stay late and he should call if he is, but for all other times; he won't be punctual. I, on the other hand, am a very punctual person. I hate being late. So, yes, this is a pet peeve I have about Greg and he knows about it and how it makes me feel. But, more importantly was realizing the feeling I had when I came to the realization about Greg and his lack of punctuality and that was a very sad feeling because, even though I know he doesn't mean it, when he is late I feel as if he doesn't care about my feelings and what we have planned for our time together.
On the bright side, Greg keeps raving about our future together especially with the move. He says he can't wait until we can be a family. That makes me feel good because this is real. After all that he and I went through in November and December and how things have completely changed for us; I am a Mother and Greg is a Father and we are together no matter what.
I was thinking on the way to work this morning about how some people set goals and what they want at a certain age. For me, it used to be that I wanted to have my first baby by the time I was 25. I didn't care if I was married or not. But, then I met Adam when I was 19 and then we married when I was 24. I could have had a baby by 25 and be married! It was the 'traditional' way to start a life so to speak. Well, I blew that and now I am in the process of a divorce and had a baby with another man while still legally married. How Jerry Springer is that? But, here I am , 28 years old. I had a baby 3 weeks before my 28th birthday, so I was only a few years behind my 'goal'. I was also thinking about how could anyone be a stay at home mom. All the props to ya if you can achieve that because there is no way I could. I need to work or I would go nuts. A lot of people say that if they won the lottery they would quit their jobs; I wouldn't. What I would do if I won the lottery is take time off of work, travel to all the places I've ever dreamed of, take care of my closest friends and family, finish my degree and get a job that is on track with my career choice (Nursing) and move on from there. There is no way I can not live without being around other people. Yes, there are the Mommy and Me clubs and what not, but I don't associate well with other females. Girls are too negative; competitive; back stabbing; and many other adjectives. Granted, not ALL females are like that. I do have some very close friends that are girls that I couldn't live without (Kara and Michele) but, in general, my experience with other females hasn't been the most positive. I get along better with the guys. They, on the other hand, don't care if I don't brush my hair, shaved my legs (though I can't go longer than 3 days without shaving otherwise I go crazy on the inside), wear the same shirt 2 days in a row, etc. I guess this is also because I am not a 'girlie girl'. I only have 2 pairs of shoes; work and tennis shoes, I own very little makeup and still don't wear it. I have very little jewelry and what I do have I don't wear, I don't do anything with my hair other than wear headbands or barrettes, I DO like to wear skirts or dresses because I feel my legs are my greatest physical feature (used to be boobs, but with all the weight loss I no longer have the boobs I used to) and want to show them off especially for a person of my size (my legs have great tone). I will admit that at times I think about being a little more girlie but that thought doesn't last very long although it may change now that I have a baby girl. My Mom comments on how I DON'T buy dresses and girlie things for Amelia and I tell her two things; 1. No urge, and 2. No money, which I guess is a blessing in disguise.
Ugh, this week isn't going so well. I feel this will be another emotionally moody week for me; although, usually when I get like this the one thing that I am hoping usually happens and for now it's knowing where Greg and I are going to live come July. I am still feeling anger towards Greg's ex-girlfriend about the difficulty Greg and I are having but I have to keep telling myself that it's been a little over 2 years now and it's said and done and we can't change anything about it. But, I still have the right to be angry in my mind.
Denise, Greg's step-mom, mailed me a gratuation invitation last week. That was nice of her. She also included a picture of Renee, her oldest daughter. She looks so mature! This morning, Denise also emailed me pictures from Renee's prom and in the pictures was a picture of Denise. Before, I've never seen a picture of her and we've only talked on the phone once and this isn't a bad thing or whatnot, but she isn't what I pictured! I was picturing the all american suburban house wife, kinda like Donna Reed, especially since she sounded like her, slightly, and how she scrapbooked and made the Easter Basket. In any event, when I told Greg he said that I should tell Denise that she sounds like a blonde, which she isn't.
Well, it's been nearly 3 hours since I started this post and I have to start a new one based on another email I received this morning...
26 April 2007
Re: Re: Bad bad Bad
After I left work and picked Amelia up, I decided to stop by Greg's office because I felt it was something that needed to be done. I surprised him, of course, and we did a little talking, but not much. After about 45 minutes I left because it was getting close to Amelia's next feeding and asked Greg to stop by the store on his way to my place to get more Pedialyte and dinner.
Greg arrives a little after 8pm, at which I am feeding Amelia. He puts the groceries away and sits on the couch with me. We don't talk about the events of the day. A little before 9, Amelia falls asleep and he takes upstairs to put her to bed. In the mean time, Sean and I are picking at the chicken Greg bought. Once Amelia it asleep for good, Greg comes down to fix his dinner. We watch a little of the Os game (they lost, no surprise) and the Discovery Channel. Then, we head upstairs where I take a shower (and hint for Greg to come in, which he does but only for a few minutes) to initiate the 'make-up romance' for the evening and it doesn't happen. So, after my shower, I lay in bed with Greg and we watch tv together while he rubs my legs and I rub his feet. I believe around 10:30-ish, I began to fall asleep but, try to stay awake to see if Greg wants to talk anymore about what we went through and he pretty much says no and before long, he's already snoring. I was a little disappointed because I thought he would like to talk more, intently, about the 'issue' and he apparently he was content with was we discussed via email or online.
Greg arrives a little after 8pm, at which I am feeding Amelia. He puts the groceries away and sits on the couch with me. We don't talk about the events of the day. A little before 9, Amelia falls asleep and he takes upstairs to put her to bed. In the mean time, Sean and I are picking at the chicken Greg bought. Once Amelia it asleep for good, Greg comes down to fix his dinner. We watch a little of the Os game (they lost, no surprise) and the Discovery Channel. Then, we head upstairs where I take a shower (and hint for Greg to come in, which he does but only for a few minutes) to initiate the 'make-up romance' for the evening and it doesn't happen. So, after my shower, I lay in bed with Greg and we watch tv together while he rubs my legs and I rub his feet. I believe around 10:30-ish, I began to fall asleep but, try to stay awake to see if Greg wants to talk anymore about what we went through and he pretty much says no and before long, he's already snoring. I was a little disappointed because I thought he would like to talk more, intently, about the 'issue' and he apparently he was content with was we discussed via email or online.
25 April 2007
Re: Bad bad Bad
Well, Greg has finally completed one of the requests. It wasn't worded as I would have liked, but I'll accept it. After talking a little online as to why I am not in a good mood, I explained the issues that are hurting me and that being the requests. And, right now I feel the second request has lost it's meaning due to him taking so long to do the request. He says he's still going to send it, but what's the point; nearly 2 months have passed since the 'issue' and I see no real reason anymore. He missed the boat.
He's also stated that he still plans on coming over tonight despite my reasoning. He says he wants to help me feel better and I told him that I don't see a way as to how that will be possible but he says he has a way. Honestly, I can't think of anything, even completing the other request, that will make me 'happy' happy.
I didn't write much to Greg this afternoon. He sent me an email around 12:45 and I didn't reply until 4:50pm. I really wasn't in the mood to chat with him, muchless anyone else for that matter (which sucks because I work in a call center). Anyway, I asked how he was doing and he said not good because he is worried that he is loosing me and that he is confused about everything (such as me telling him there is no point in coming over whereas I usually try to keep him as long as possible) that is going on within me. I told him the reason of my hurt feelings and such and he has apologized and all, but he says my actions are hurting him as well.
I am in such a funk of a mood. I was feeling fine this morning until his phone call as he was en route to my place. For some reason that call triggered a snow ball to hell of emotions and feelings. Which I am confused about as well and that reason is because it's not like I've been keeping things, such as this issue about the request, bottled inside of me; he knows how I feel about his lack of responce to the request (and still hasn't done anything about it except for the one, but like I said about the other - there's really no point now), though I guess he didn't know how much meaning it had for me (but I was sure he knew at the time of the request).
In any event, Greg will be coming over tonight to talk about all of this. I'm not really looking forward to this because I know I'll be crying (as I've already done so today) and I hate how I cry over just about everything. I also hate to put the blame on my hormones and birth control, but I was never like this before.
He's also stated that he still plans on coming over tonight despite my reasoning. He says he wants to help me feel better and I told him that I don't see a way as to how that will be possible but he says he has a way. Honestly, I can't think of anything, even completing the other request, that will make me 'happy' happy.
I didn't write much to Greg this afternoon. He sent me an email around 12:45 and I didn't reply until 4:50pm. I really wasn't in the mood to chat with him, muchless anyone else for that matter (which sucks because I work in a call center). Anyway, I asked how he was doing and he said not good because he is worried that he is loosing me and that he is confused about everything (such as me telling him there is no point in coming over whereas I usually try to keep him as long as possible) that is going on within me. I told him the reason of my hurt feelings and such and he has apologized and all, but he says my actions are hurting him as well.
I am in such a funk of a mood. I was feeling fine this morning until his phone call as he was en route to my place. For some reason that call triggered a snow ball to hell of emotions and feelings. Which I am confused about as well and that reason is because it's not like I've been keeping things, such as this issue about the request, bottled inside of me; he knows how I feel about his lack of responce to the request (and still hasn't done anything about it except for the one, but like I said about the other - there's really no point now), though I guess he didn't know how much meaning it had for me (but I was sure he knew at the time of the request).
In any event, Greg will be coming over tonight to talk about all of this. I'm not really looking forward to this because I know I'll be crying (as I've already done so today) and I hate how I cry over just about everything. I also hate to put the blame on my hormones and birth control, but I was never like this before.
Bad bad Bad
This week just hasn't been good.
And, to top everything off, this morning I locked myself, and Amelia, outside. I called Greg a little after 8am for help. He arrived about 9:20-ish. Around 8:50-ish, Greg calls to tell me that I can not do this, locking myself outside, anymore and that he was crossed with me. Yeah, like I did this on purpose. I told him that I was sorry and that he doesn't have to come over tonight. I became pretty upset with him after that phone call. He really hurt my feelings. As if I didn't already know that he was going to be late for work, just like I was going to be late. Plus, I still had to drop Amelia off at the babysitters before I could go to work and that sets me back about 15 minutes, so it's not like he was the only person effected.
Overall, I feel aggravated. There is more to why I am feeling aggravated than what happened this morning and part of this aggravation is from Greg's actions, or lack thereof, with his ex. I don't mind that he still talks to her and I think it's nice that they are still friends after what ended their relationship, but Greg has yet to do the two simple things I've requested him to do for me. The first request was asked nearly 2 months ago and the second request was asked about 3 weeks ago. These requests require him to tell his ex something for me, nothing major; just something to help me feel better. He says he's going to do them, but at this point I don't believe him anymore and I told him this on Monday night. The fact that he hasn't done these requests hurts because it feels like he isn't taking my feelings seriously or into consideration about the requests. It's to the point, that I give up on him doing the request; which I have told him and that I will not forget this (this being that he did not do the simple request for me) meaning that I won't hold a grudge against him, but I will not forget what he did (or didn't do).
I was intending on not talking to Greg today (via email or phone calls) because I am hurt by his actions of this morning and the other things. But, he sent me an email stating that he was hurt and worried. So, I wrote back explainging why I was being cold to him when he arrived and he's apologized for his actions to the phone call. I wrote back telling him not to come over because there is no point (I know he wants to get as much OT as possible and by arriving late means he'll have to work late tonight and since I am about a half hour from his job, he wouldn't arrive until 8pm or later and I just don't see the point in coming over). Greg disagree's with me about tonight, so we'll see.
And, to top everything off, this morning I locked myself, and Amelia, outside. I called Greg a little after 8am for help. He arrived about 9:20-ish. Around 8:50-ish, Greg calls to tell me that I can not do this, locking myself outside, anymore and that he was crossed with me. Yeah, like I did this on purpose. I told him that I was sorry and that he doesn't have to come over tonight. I became pretty upset with him after that phone call. He really hurt my feelings. As if I didn't already know that he was going to be late for work, just like I was going to be late. Plus, I still had to drop Amelia off at the babysitters before I could go to work and that sets me back about 15 minutes, so it's not like he was the only person effected.
Overall, I feel aggravated. There is more to why I am feeling aggravated than what happened this morning and part of this aggravation is from Greg's actions, or lack thereof, with his ex. I don't mind that he still talks to her and I think it's nice that they are still friends after what ended their relationship, but Greg has yet to do the two simple things I've requested him to do for me. The first request was asked nearly 2 months ago and the second request was asked about 3 weeks ago. These requests require him to tell his ex something for me, nothing major; just something to help me feel better. He says he's going to do them, but at this point I don't believe him anymore and I told him this on Monday night. The fact that he hasn't done these requests hurts because it feels like he isn't taking my feelings seriously or into consideration about the requests. It's to the point, that I give up on him doing the request; which I have told him and that I will not forget this (this being that he did not do the simple request for me) meaning that I won't hold a grudge against him, but I will not forget what he did (or didn't do).
I was intending on not talking to Greg today (via email or phone calls) because I am hurt by his actions of this morning and the other things. But, he sent me an email stating that he was hurt and worried. So, I wrote back explainging why I was being cold to him when he arrived and he's apologized for his actions to the phone call. I wrote back telling him not to come over because there is no point (I know he wants to get as much OT as possible and by arriving late means he'll have to work late tonight and since I am about a half hour from his job, he wouldn't arrive until 8pm or later and I just don't see the point in coming over). Greg disagree's with me about tonight, so we'll see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
